So, I have this brother...

Yeah, so that doesn't sound as witty as I thought it would. Actually, my brother, Ben, he's far wittier than I and I'm sure he would have come up with something better! This pic is of Ben and I from a couple of weeks ago, celebrating our birthdays together, for the first time. Ben and I are ten years and one day apart, but we've never seen each other ON our birthdays.

So, here's the story of Ben and I. I often elude to it in our monthly family email updates but never have the time to explain. So I figured I'd take the time here and can just tell people to read about it if they want to know more.

I have to start with my mom, I suppose. My mom met Steve on New Years Eve...he's the man I consider my 'dad' but he's not the guy who contributed to my DNA...that would be Stan. Steve, was the love of my mothers life. (In fact, he died when I was 18, she was remarried for 14 years and yet, Steve remained the love of her life until she died in March 2006).

Anyway, I was born in 1969 and Steve, unfortunately, was called to serve in Vietnam in 1968. My mom was crushed. She, famously one time, wrote him a 96-page letter, she missed him so much! However, her parents were very strict and my mom was looking to get out from under their jurisdiction, so she met Stan and started dating him.

Even though my mom, still to this day from people who knew her then, say she was the most innocent, naive girl they knew...somehow, ended up pregnant before she married. So, Stan is the contributor of our DNA. Back in those days, you had two options...marry the father or go away until the baby is born and give it up for adoption. My mom's biggest aspiration in life was to be a mom (and a great one she was too!), so she took option one.

My grandfather was a different person before I was born...everyone says his whole personality changed the moment he saw me...so I have a hard time understanding how he was before. But, he was a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy and had someone acquire Stan's files (who was also in the Navy) and tried to convince my mom that Stan was psychologically unstable. But my mom was too afraid to not marry him and went on with the wedding. My grandparents were supportive after but they were not happy about the whole deal.

My mom says that Stan changed into this horrible person in the elevator on the way up to their Honeymoon Suite the night of their wedding! Shortly after this, he got heavily involved in drugs...it was the heigth of the hippie movement...he even left her with a newborn and went to California to experience all of that life he could. He was verbally abusive to my mom, strung out on drugs and eventually, my mom realized she needed out.

Actually, she had a little help in the convincing...not from her parents, but from Steve. She had kept in contact with him and he told her he would take care of us financially if she would just get away from Stan. I can't imagine how my mom must have felt...knowing she was so traditional and I'm sure she felt quite embarrassed about being divorced.

I was born in October of 1969 and I think the Marriage ended the following Spring or early Summer. Steve got to come home from Vietnam shortly thereafter. As soon as he was on American Soil...actually, at JFK airport in New York, he called my mom and asked her to marry him. My mom was over the moon!

They set the date for August 21st...and they were sweating bullets when the divorce finally came through on August 14th, which as it turns out, was my dad's birthday! Shortly after they married, my parents called Stan and asked him if he would sign papers so Steve could adopt me. They always said that Stan's reply was "Wow...I can say it backwards, Wow!" But he quickly agreed...not owning up to responsibility fit in perfect with his new lifestyle...and I'm super glad he signed those papers! I can't imagine how different my life would have been if he hadn't.

So, yes, my mom was part of a whirlwind, romantic tale...with a kid. But I have always loved the story. Hopefully, I got the details right...but there really isn't anyone to ask (except my mom's best friend Madonna...is this right?)

My mom never hid the fact I was adopted...she could have. God is funny because I have the exact same birthmark as Steve's mother and my dad and I shared the same shade of blue eyes. Even though my mom was open with me about my DNA, we did keep it a secret from friends and no one really spoke of it at family functions.

When I was 16, I was looking for something and came across a photo of my mom and Stan. I had never seen his picture before. Although I do look like my mom...the pictures of a young Stan, was undeniably full of my features, too. I stole the picture. I put it in my purse and carried it around for a couple of weeks...and told a couple of my friends who looked at it with me.

I'm not exactly sure how my mom came to notice the picture was missing from the box, but she came UP TO SCHOOL and demanded it! I didn't see it again for a couple of years.

My mom was always worried about my dad's feelings in it all. They had tried to have children together but never could get pregnant. Back then, you really did have to have a level of wealth in order to adopt, so they never had their own biological or adopted children. I think my dad totally accepted me but I'm sure he was sad there was not another boy to carry on his family name.

When I was 18, I still lived at home. Stan, suddenly called out of the blue. Apparently he had been waiting until I was 18 to make ammends for what he had done to us. Stan had been 'clean' over 10 years and still very active in a 12-step program. One of the steps suggest you apologize to anyone you have hurt in your addiction. Stan wanted to complete this step. He did apologize to my mom and then asked if he could to me. She told him that her and my dad would need to think about it all.

They told me that he had called...and I have to admit, my whole life I had been very curious! I had always said "If I could just have lunch with him, one time..." that would answer all my questions and fill that missing piece I felt for so long. I was never angry at him...I had a great life because he got out of the way...but I just wanted to know what he was like.

But...they decided NOT to let him contact me directly. I think he had my mother apologize for him...don't really remember because I didn't really care about it.

Not too long after this, my dad's heart problems got significantly worse. He died a month after having a heart attack and needing a transplant. He was only 39 and I was almost 19.

I could go into what being an only child in this situation is like...but that's another blog. About a year after my dad was gone, I sat my mom down and told her I was going to find Stan with or without her. I had already found her divorce papers and she had written his address down on the back from when he had contacted her. By the way, when I found the papers, I counted the months and saw that I was "illegitimate", which I had never known before. I didn't care...just found it funny since everyone I had ever met that knew my mom then told me how bad they teased her because she was so innocent.

I really AM getting to the story of Ben and I...but in order to understand it, people always want to know the back story.

My mom agreed to help me...in fact for a couple of months, only she talked on the phone to Stan. I think I wrote him a couple of letters but she talked to him. I was a little freaked out about it because they were a little TOO friendly I thought, but after meeting Stan, no worries at all!

I think they first talked around September and he came at Christmas to meet me. I have always been independant...so I arranged to meet him at a Coffee Shop, alone at first.

Okay, I'm not being ugly here, but let me just say, Stan is not the sort of person I would choose to spend time with. He's seriously kinda like a lounge lizard...even dresses like one. He as a little too touchy-feely for me, which immediately freaked me out. He was very clear that he wasn't going to be a father because he really wasn't into that...I told him that was fine, I had a great one and wasn't looking for this from him. We did drink our coffee the exact same way...which I thought was cool at the time.

Stan's visit went 'fine' except I was totally put off the touchiness...there's a long story about some stuff that had recently gone on in my life at this time that made this definitely more of an issue...but that's another blog too.

The best thing, in my opinion even then, about the whole deal with meeting Stan was I found out I had a little brother. Being an only child has many benefits, as any child from a family with siblings, will tell you! I am grateful for the experiences I had because of it...even being spoiled by being the only grand child. However, outside of finding Jesus, finding out I had a brother was probably the coolest thing that had happened to me at that point in my life. I was elated!

However, Stan had only been married to Ben's mom less than he had been married to mine...I think about 16-17 months. Stan lived in South Carolina and Ben lived in Maine with his mom. So, they didn't see each other all that often. Stan wasn't sure Elaine would go for the idea of letting Ben meet me, so I assumed I would have to wait until Ben was 18 before I could pursue it.

But actually, Elaine agreed! (I'll never stop thanking you, Elaine!) So that following Summer, when I was 20 and Ben was just 10, Stan brought Benjamin to Gatlingburg, Tn and my grandmother, Bo, and I drove up there to meet him. I was just thrilled!

I can remember clearly Bo and Stan talking and Stan being surprised at how great Ben and I got along! I think both of us were thrilled to find each other...and I bought him lots of stuff for good measure...ha ha...and there began a cool new relationship.

I can't recall how long we were there...must have been a long weekend. Ben went back to Maine and he and I would talk on the phone. Talking on the phone to a 10 year old boy was sometimes a challenge, but it was always such an amazing concept that I had a brother out there TO CALL.

For many years, I would fly Ben down to Memphis for a couple of weeks in the summer time. I'm not sure he always found it thrilling but it was always a joy to have him around and try to build our relationship.

By the way, neither one of us have much contact with Stan...I think its been over three years since either of us heard from him. It's more Stan's choice than ours and that's fine. Like I said before, I had a great father and a super grandfather so I don't have that need in my life. In reality, it is Stan who is missing out, not Ben and I.

Since we met, Ben and I have grown up a lot. Its much easier to talk to him as an adult now than it was back then. None of the sibling greeting cards work for us because we can't say "remember that time..." but truly, now that we live in New England, that is changing.

When we decided to leave Memphis, and eventually decided on Maine, we had never been there. We always brought Ben to us, so it was a little of a gamble...but its beautiful Maine...what's not to like. OKay, well if you have kept up with this blog, you know what I didn't like. However, he moved to New Hampshire with his job, a few months after we moved to Maine.

If I am honest, I kept telling people we weren't moving to Maine to be near Ben, that he was 'just a bonus'. That sort of statement probably seemed odd...I mean, so what if we did move here to be near him...but I was just trying to protect myself. When you lose so many family members, you are kinda afraid to have expectations and trust, and its not like Ben and I ever lived in the same place before. Truly, I was hanging my hat on finding "family" with him. Of course, I wouldn't have chosen for him to move to NH right after we got here, but he has become my "family" in the way I had hoped.

Last year, Ben and I got to spend our first Christmas together...he actually spent the night and everything...it was just so amazing to me. This year, I had the privilege of watching him become a father...which is just the most amazing honor! He's expanded our family, not just by baby Liam, but Kim and Nicolas, too. Kim is such a sweet gal and one of the loves of my True's life!

Then, this summer, shortly before we moved to Mass, I got to FINALLY meet his mother, Elaine! I was as nervous as meeting my mother-in-law the first time, but she is the most easy-going, down-to-earth gal and love being around her! Elaine and I talked about if she had still been married to Stan, she would have been my step-mother. So we decided, to our kids, she will be "Aunt Grammy" and they already love her!

Many of you will know that when I lost my mom (and the last living member of my 'root' family) that I was just heartbroken that my kids wont have grandparents. I guess now, they have been given a new grandma-type in their lives, even though she wouldn't try to replace my mom, God gives us new things.

It's funny how God works...I am sure my mom felt bad about some of her mistakes, although she would never equate my being here with one. I am sure if she had her way, she would have married Steve in the first place and had me with him. But we all know how God sees the plans way ahead of when we do. I now see my mom's decisions from her youth, as God's provision for me and my family now.

Within those mistakes, she has given me a new family. I believe that in any grieving, if you allow yourself to try, God gives you new dreams. Life isn't perfect and honestly, it rarely turns out the way we would have chosen for it to, but God gives us new dreams and provisions. It could be the death of a family member, as it has been for me many times or even the death of a dream job, a marriage, a picket fence...but God will give you new desires and he will fulfill those dreams.

I'm so thankful for the provision of Ben, Kim, Nicolas, Liam and Aunt Grammy! I'm even thankful that Stan is out there somewhere, even if he didn't parent us, he gave us each other and for that, I'm thankful.

To walk where he walked...

This weekend, our family had the privilege to walk in the UMDF (United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation) Fundraiser in Plymouth, Massachusetts. If for some reason, you do not know, our son Andrew died from "Mito" in 2003, just before he turned 7 years old.

Evidence of Andrew's disease didn't show up until he was five and a half...our diagnosis officially came five days before his 6th birthday. He never got to celebrate another one. It used to be thought that most every kid with Mito died. For years, doctors who understood Mitochondrial Diseases felt it was underdiagnosed. Now doctors know its linked to many things and are even calling Diabetes type II a Mitochondrial Disorder. Now that it is being identified better, its not always terminal, which is nice to see. Its not that there is a cure, there still isn't, but it means kids with milder presentations are being identified and they get better medical management, earlier.

We were one of the few families there who was participating in the walk without our "mito kid". He should have been there...he should always be with us. We had matching tshirts with his picture, people asked about them and him. It was nice to get to talk about him, but I always felt bad telling other people who were there to represent a mito kid they loved (who was still living) that ours didn't make it. We even met two families that adopt special needs children...which was great!

The most special thing about Plymouth is not that its where the Mayflower resides...or Plymouth Rock (which by the way, should be called Plymouth stone...its really quite small).

The most special thing is Andrew was here. Our sweet friends, the Tobins, who have two girls with mito live in Plymouth. The mom, Kerry and I met online and then at a UMDF convention in 2002. Kerry told me how great their specialist was...even though, at the time we were still waiting to find out if Andrew really had Mito. (Muscle biopsies take at least three months to get back.)

After we found out that Andrew truly did have it, we decided to see Dr Korson in Boston and Kerry offered to let us stay with her. So I have pictures of Andrew and Kerry's girls walking around the Plymouth waterfront. I have memories of this place we ate ice cream and where we stopped to look at boats and so forth. So Plymouth will always be special to me.

Our first trip to Boston was in August 2002. Our second was in January 2003. One of Kerry's girls was in the hospital that trip, so I stayed in a Hotel next to the hospital. But my connection to Plymouth continued. As you know, Andrew died in May of 2003.

This didn't end my attachment to Plymouth. After that UMDF conference, I formed a small web group of eight other mito moms. We called ourselves the MitoSisterhood! Between us, we have 20 children, 10 of which, have Mito. I'm sad to say that only four of those kids are still with us on earth...and with that, our group sorta faded away but we still have special connections.

In June of 2004, there was a fundraiser for Dr Korson's clinic and I was able to fly to Boston to participate. Again, Kerry hosted me and also five of the MitoSisterhood gals were able to get together for the fundraiser. We had a great time at Kerry's hanging out, all staying in Plymouth.

You may not know that we had Andrew cremated. I have only spread some of his ashes one time...it was that trip to Plymouth that I did this. I brought them to the tree on the Plymouth waterfront that I have Andrew's picture in front of and spread some there. Because Plymouth will always have a little Andrew for me in my heart, now it will in both the physical and the spiritual. The tree, is a physical marker of Andrew for me.

I finally got to bring Fred to Plymouth in 2006 when we brought True to see Dr Korson and were on our way to Maine to find a place to live. We stayed in Plymouth and I took a picture of Gaige, Bliss and True in front of that same tree...but Andrew should have been there too! He's always missing in every picture and I will never feel like I have a complete family picture because either True is missing (because he came after Andrew died) or Andrew is missing. But that tree, is like something that binds us together.

So being at the walk, in Plymouth, I had to take a look at the Tree when we went by...it really is unchanging and that brings me some peace. Walking for Mito in the place where Andrew was brought me peace and also a lot of reflective thoughts.

It wont be surprising that Fred and I have intended since this move to Mass to find a place as close to the Ocean as we possibly can! We love the peace of just being near the water and we want that daily if we can have it. When we moved here, there wasn't time to be picky about which town we ended up in, and we had tried to get near Fred's job, which didn't pan out. We are in an okay town but it doesn't have long-term potential in my mind. So, this weekend, our goal became to move to Plymouth.

The housing market is so steep here but we are going to try and find out how to make it happen. If not, I suppose we'll continue to rent, but I actually could buy a house in Plymouth. Leaving Memphis, where all of Andrew's life had been lived was hard in that my memories of him were almost exclusively there. So being in Plymouth gives me a little of that back.

Of course, Andrew is everywhere for us. A couple months before he died, once we knew he would, he asked me what a spirit was, hearing the word in a song on our radio. I explained it was the BEST part of who we are and you couldn't see it...but it was what made Andrew Andrew and Mommy Mommy. I told him no matter what, our spirits live forever. Being such a spiritually profound six year old, he said "Our spirits will live together forever, in our hearts". He said that many times thereafter. He does...and we do.

(the pics above are of my little ones in front of the tree in 2006 and then our trip to the same ice cream store with the Tobin girls that week...my picture of Andrew there must be in a box, but I will post it when I find it)